EVOLVE: The Conscious Way Summit

EVOLVE: The Conscious Way Summit 2015 Dr. Shefali

I am eternally grateful to have been part of the advent of a blissful movement “#EVOLVE: The Conscious Way Summit 2015”. Dr. Shefali Tsabary is the forerunner in conscious parenting, and in my opinion, her book “The Conscious Parent” is even a more essential read than “What to Expect When You Are Expecting”! Here is a synopsis of the empowering, metamorphosing, and phenomenal 3-day mindfulness retreat in Long Beach, California.

Dr. Shefali Tsabary

I cannot even begin to describe Dr. Shefali’s purposefulness and passion in birthing and communicating an invaluable message to the world. I have read more than 50 parenting books and have attended numerous parenting workshops and conferences. Conscious parenting, the way Shefali is manifesting, is revolutionary, ground-breaking, and immaculate to say the least.
Here are some of invaluable nuggets that I took home from her portion of the talk.

  • Parenting is ONLY about parents.
  • By raising OURSELVES, we raise our children.
  • Do LESS.
  • Eliminate FEAR.
  • Stick with some few unnegotiable rules, and for all the rest, go for WIN-WIN.
  • Cultivate “WHAT IS” instead of “what if”.

The following are the elements that are propagated between the parent and the child at trigger time. Dr. Shefali orchestrated an ingenious theatrical abyss on stage that became wider as each of these factors arose within the parent’s psyche.

  • Thought
  • Belief
  • Fear
  • Past pain
  • Feelings
  • Triggered reaction

By eliminating the middlemen, what we, as conscious parents, are left with are mere:

  • Connection
  • Boundaries

Without my fears and by identifying my unconscious triggers, I not only feel liberated, but I can authentically feel my love for my children in a whole new level. The love that rises from being-ness.

Neale Donald Walsch

My amazing coach and mentor, Gil McIff, always says, “All negative triggers are the result of unhealed past emotions.” Reverend Neale, similarly, warns us that if we do not allow ourselves and our children to feel authentic feelings, we are left with repressed and unhealthy emotions that are the true causes of much suffering in our lives. Here are the legitimate feelings and their unwholesome counterparts.

  • Grief -> Depression
  • Anger -> Rage
  • Fear -> Panic
  • Envy -> Jealousy
  • Love -> Possessiveness

I am perpetually amazed by Rumi’s wisdom when he articulates the same concept in such an eloquent way,
“The cure for pain is in the pain. ~ Rumi”

Susan Stiffelman

Listening to her incredible “The Work on Parenting” with amazing Byron Katie and attending some of her live webinars, I was thrilled to meet her in the summit. Her brilliant concept of “captain of the ship” is an empowering nugget to keep in mind to avoid struggles with our kids. If we, as parents, do not maintain our leadership or “CAPTAIN OF THE SHIP” role at all times, we might end up in the “LAWYER” role when we feed to negotiating and arguing about the limits or eventually resort to the “DICTATOR” role to reinforce punishments and out-of-proportion consequences. Her new books “Parenting with Presence” is a wonderful resource to explore her vision of parenting.

Suzi Kesler Lula

The final portion of the 3-day conference was devoted to self-care which in my opinion is a prerequisite to a fulfilled and healthy life as an adult. I am grateful to delightful Suzi that empowered me not to give up my scheduled run. Since I embarked on the colossal Ph.D. journey a couple of months ago, I have been overwhelmed by the amount of reading and writing that need to be done in a very limited time; therefore, I decided to skip my runs to create more time for my kids. I cannot stress enough how unwise this decision was. These are among the gems I got from her allowing speech.

  • Not attending to self-care is selfish.
  • We need to nourish our kids with the OVERFLOW of our energy; not directly from our own fuel tank.

My Pledges to Be a Conscious Parent

Here are the 6 pledges I made in front of the amazing community to keep myself accountable to say the least:

  1. I will not abandon my intention to remain NON-REACTIVE not only with my kids but in all aspects of my life.
  2. I maintain a mental SNAPSHOT of the ingenious theatrical abyss Dr. Shefali orchestrated in order to keep me empowered and in perspective and to bring me back from the mind to the heart.
  3. I will never abandon my scheduled MEDITATION and RUN, and I will dance with my kids at least once a day.
  4. I continue coaching myself and my kids to find and feel all the legitimate EMOTIONS at all times to cultivate a healthy and soulful life.
  5. I will live a life with intentionality and NO FEAR.
  6. I choose MINDFULNESS, JOYFULNESS, and COMPASSION at all times.

Dr. Shefali, the world is thanking you for your fierce and wise soul. You and every presenter you chose brought immense wisdom and enlightenment to the amazing tapestry that you brilliantly created for us ♥

I cannot wait for the next year #EVOLVE summit in New York. For information, please visit Dr. Shefali’s events!

♥ Be.Love.Know. ♥

3 Steps to Take to Become a Conscious Parent

Rumi

1. Understand that Parenting Is Really About the Parents, Not the Kids

Until I truly learned I need to take responsibility for my own mental programs as well as the programs I have carved in my children’s minds since birth, I was not successful to curb my reactivity, perfectionism, feeling of control and fear of judgement.  These are the outline of what has empowered me to claim thorough ownership of this ever most colossal and critical task as a parent on this earth:

  • When I learned that all I am, do and have is the result of heavy-duty programs built in my brain during childhood. During the years of 0-6 years old, our brain works as if it is in a hypnotic state meaning it’s tremendously malleable and suggestable to all that is said, done and manifested in the outside world. We internalize everything happening around us in order to survive in this earthly world, and the collection of these learnings becomes the indestructible fort of beliefs, values and habits for the rest of our lives.
  • When I clearly witnessed the way I react to my children is directly the result of these programs.
  • When I experimented with alternative reaction scenarios and observed and ultimately believed how miraculously my children’s behavior upgraded accordingly.
  • When I finally took ALL the responsibility for my children’s behavior and started retraining myself to parent more consciously.
  • When I was assured that my reality is the result of my thoughts and beliefs. That I need to be mindful and aware of my emotions at all times.
  • When I understood that any time I get triggered by my children’s misbehaviour, I need to look within and spot the program that needs to be cleared or replaced to make me evolve and grow even further and as the bonus, make my children behave more appropriately.
  • When I honestly believed that my children are my little teachers and my true spiritual partners in the journey of life. They are the authentic mirrors reflecting me. Watch the Ted talks with Dr. Shefali to better understand this amazing concept.
  • When I trained myself to rise above my ego and see things from their point of view at any given time.
  • When I forgave myself as well as my parents as we have been running grave programs and did what we thought best suited at any given point in time.

As you see, the subject of all of the above sentences is “I”. Fortunately or, unfortunately, there is nothing extraordinary children need to do. IT IS ALL ON US.

2. Identify, Clear or Replace Your Limiting Programs

  • We are not the victim of our genes. According to Dr. Bruce Lipton, the cell biologist, genes need an outside trigger to get activated. I learned that the limiting belief that my reactivity is inevitably the work of my paternal genes and I have no power over them had thoroughly paralyzed me going forward with my numerous endeavors to overcome this trait. I needed to become aware of my programs and limiting beliefs to be able to move forward with my intentions. The vow of “Yellibacy” as Dr. Laura Markham intelligently names it simply didn’t work for me. All the techniques and facts I learned from more than 40 parenting books, many parenting conferences and workshops were just some nice knowledge far from being actualized. And if they did work, they merely did on a temporary basis. The reason is that the unyielding fort of beliefs, values and habits that were engraved in my brain during childhood reside on the 95% of the mind in the subconscious territory and my intentions and goals live in the 5% conscious part of the mind. It is like we are trying to reach a destination with a rowboat unaware of the anchor that is deeply rooted in the seabed hindering us from rowing forward.
  • Identifying these programs and clearing them is analogous to lifting this anchor.
  • Every time we get triggered or feel negative by an event, an experience or our children’s misbehavior we are actually being invited to locate these programs and where we need to work and heal.
  • When you catch your negative emotion, give it a name and ask yourself why you are experiencing it. Keep asking “why” until you get to the bottom belief or program.
  • Ask yourself if the program that was once an established neural pathway as a protective mechanism is still serving you. If not, choose to clear or replace it with a program that serves you better now.
  • Meditate, use visualization tools and subconscious techniques to clear and replace these limiting beliefs. In case of a conflict, associate your ideal reaction to a solution image and visualize it is getting replaced in place of an undesirable image, over and over again. Watch Swish Pattern clip and Mirror of the Mind technique to get a better idea about this notion.
  • Be patient with yourself as you need an average of 90 days to successfully retrain your brain. Have faith that eventually the neurons that fire together, wire together. Watch the amazing TED Talks with Dr. Joe Dispenza to keep you on your path.

3. Choose Love and Coach Your Kids to Live Their True and Responsible Selves

  • Always remind yourself that every time your children misbehave, they are actually saying inside; “Please help me! I am suffering!” Know that what’s not love is a cry for love.
  • When you get triggered, stop, take 3 deep breaths and ask yourself what she is triggering in you. Also, venture to see the scenario from their point of view. This pause will subside your urge for reactivity and allows you to proceed with love.
  • Set empathetic limits and family rules. Teach respect by respecting them. Use natural consequences instead of punitive words or actions.
  • Acknowledge and empathize with your children’s desires and emotions and then hold your empathetic boundaries. In doing so use “and” instead of “but”.
  • Example: “I truly understand your frustration and anger towards your brother, AND we don’t hurt anyone’s body or feelings when we feel these emotions. We use words instead. Let’s sit together and I will help you to fully feel your anger. We can also take 5 deep breaths or look at the meditation jar.”  – You can use a snow globe for this purpose. Shake and watch the thoughts and emotions settle as you breathe in and out. This will allow them to disidentify with the emotion.
  • Don’t be afraid to hold the limits. When we doubt our “no’s”, we send mixed messages not only to our children but to our own subconscious mind and we act from fear and not from certainty and authenticity.
  • Be clear about your values and boundaries and simply hold them compassionately and empathetically without hesitation and with clarity.
  • Teach your kids that they can always be connected to their true self. That they are never alone as they have a moment-to-moment internal GPS in their heart. Guide them to find their true internal joy without feeling the need to seek for extrinsic reasons.
  • Teach them deep breathing , meditation and other mindfulness techniques from early years.
  • Coach them to truly feel their emotions at all times. Let them know they are entitled to the whole spectrum of emotions. This cultivates fearless relationships. Teach them to use words to describe their feelings while communicating with others. They can feel all emotions, but they cannot react from them in disrespectul and hurtful manners.
  • Avoid encountering every situation as “emergency”.
  • Let them know you are growing alongside them and you are spiritual partners to help each other evolve. Don’t be afraid to show your vulnerability and avoid talking to them from a superior position.
  • Assign 20-second heart-to-heart hugs at greeting times. Spend at least 30 minute one-on-one time with each child EVER DAY.
  • Hold family meetings every week to reserve a haven for everyone to share their frustrations and collectively find solutions.
  • Do what you ask them to do. Don’t yell, “No yelling allowed!” Practice and model responsible, mindful and joyful living.
  • Find your missions as a parent and stick to your values.

These books are must-reads for all parents. If you have read them, great, just read them again and again!

  1. The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children, Dr. Shefali Tsabary
  2. The Whole-Brain Child,  Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
  3. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish
  4. Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting, Dr. Laura Markham

I will be holding a series of 4 Conscious Parenting workshops in Monterey, California in the month of September 2015. Contact me for further info if you like to attend. Arayeh @ (831)915-9438

Happy parenting 🙂

♥ Be.Love.Know. ♥

Mindfulness Clips for Conscious Parenting

4-7-8 Breathing Exercise

Planting Seeds of Mindfulness

Mind in a Jar

EFT for Kids: How to Tap

Teaching Mindfulness To Children At Home And In Schools

Mindfulness for Children

It’s a beautiful day! A Short Animation about Mindfulness

The Fairy & Leprechaun Guided Meditation

Magical Playground Guided Meditation

TED Talk with Shefali Tsabary – Conscious Parenting

Conscious Parenting with Dr. Bruce Lipton

The Work on Parenting with Byron Katie